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2021.10.27 00:51 _nachosandsalsa_ never forgive, never forget.
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2021.10.27 00:51 Candid_Resolution100 Fixed home in ramen noodles
2021.10.27 00:51 nan_creates NASCAR + JAILBREAK EVENT SIKIN
2021.10.27 00:51 NoahMccoy33 m
2021.10.27 00:51 HornyHeracross I'll never forget [Original]
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2021.10.27 00:51 xModulus My McMuffin came with the sacred purple circle. It’s a sign.
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2021.10.27 00:51 micakarylle Looking for scholarship
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2021.10.27 00:51 mimikyumom i (17F) destroyed my relationship with my best friend/ex (18M). what should i do? how can i improve?
oh man, this story is a doozy, but i’m at such a loss and can barely function, the guilt is crushing me. (TW: mentions of s3lf-h#rm, r#p3/co3rcion, abus3)
for some background: we met when i was 15 and had just been through a bad breakup. we clicked instantly and within a month he (i’ll call him O for the sake of simplicity) was my whole world - i knew if nothing else, he was at least my platonic soulmate. about 6 months later (in july) the spark faded for me and i broke up with him. he was absolutely crushed, but we stayed close friends. then 5 months after that (late october early november), i realized i was still in love and we rekindled our relationship. i was so happy.
in early february, i was struck with a mysterious sickness & intense stress that left me in long isolation (and i now have chronic fatigue syndrome & a permanent high fever). all of that threw me into a depressive spiral, in which i took a break from him and kept my struggles to myself for fear of burdening. i began self harming again - i have PTSD from being s3xu4lly abus3d at a young age and i s3lf-h#rm by giving my body to strangers, because i was taught that’s all i’m good for. i even broke a 5-year clean streak from c#tting. i kept all of my stress and struggle away from O because he was dealing with his own issues and i couldn’t bear to add to his burden.
by the time late may/early june rolled around, i was in a healthier state of mind (or so i thought) and told him i was ready to continue. to my naive, surprise, at that point he had moved on and was in love with someone else (he tried to lie to me about it because he knew i’d be hurt, but the truth came out eventually). he was afraid to try again with me. i felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet, completely blindsided. i had just crawled through hell thinking i’d be back in his arms soon, only to be told otherwise. with that, something in me just… snapped. i was angry and betrayed and upset beyond belief, it felt like everything had been a lie.
O did his best to stay kind, he truly did want to stay friends, but i couldn’t handle the thought of no longer being his number 1 as i had been for the past year & a half. this is where i started to dig myself a deeper grave of mistakes. i started messing around with his friend (H). H offered me support and a shoulder to cry on during the whole situation, and i was too selfish to think twice about how it might affect O. i wanted him to be jealous, to realize what he was missing out on. i then began ignoring O entirely - he repeatedly tried to reach out about how it was hurting him and that he wanted to make up, but i felt vindictive that he was feeling the hurt i was experiencing. my anger blinded me to the fact that he was truly hurting.
i attempted to befriend the girl he had developed feelings for (i’ll call her M) in an effort to overcome my internalized misogyny (i knew it wasn’t her fault), but she was an easy target for me to beat up in order to feel better about myself. i was cordial to her face but talked about how i was much better behind her back. i eventually stopped and realized i was being shitty to her when she said something genuinely kind to me (honestly i thought she hated me). hell, i was mean about her when talking to O. and to O himself, i became emotionally/verbally abusive, to say the least. i was bitter, cold, and insecure to the point of narcissism. i wanted him to hurt the way i did. i felt backstabbed, although realistically i know i had no reason to.
in the end, i had backstabbed and hurt him beyond repair. i officially cut contact on august 1st (i’m writing this on october 26th) because i couldn’t handle our relationship anymore and knew he couldn’t be happy with me in his life. now i’m glad i did it for other reasons: i wasn’t just blocking his happiness, i was actively preventing it. it was emotional abuse and i have no excuses for the way i acted.
honestly, i have no idea why i went so far off the deep end. it’s now almost 3 months since the day and all i can think is “what the fuck is wrong with me? why did i do that? i hope he’s okay. he hates me, i’m sure”. a couple of his friends have since come after me pretty cruelly (to the point where i had to private all social media and remove anyone associated to that group) and i wouldn’t blame them, but they did blow the whole thing out of proportion by accusing me of coercing him s3xu#lly too. to me, an actual victim of s3xual abus3 and someone who makes 110% sure all her partners are comfortable before doing anything, that is completely disgusting. and no matter how much i say “i know i’m not the victim here, i take responsibility for my actions and am getting help”, they still say i’m playing the victim and won’t acknowledge what i did. so that sucks, but if they’re determined to make me more of a villain, nothing i say will stop them. i have no power in that situation and it’s my own fault.
since then, i’ve been making a conscious effort to avoid any similar future situations. i hate the people who hurt/abused me so much, and to think i am one in the eyes of someone i cherished like no other? it’s soul-crushing and a real eye opener. but what do i do with this knowledge?
i’ve gotten on new medication, i’m seeing a new therapist, and we’re working on a potential BPD diagnosis (as she thinks it could be why i reacted the way i did). i don’t ever want to be the monster i was all those months ago. i’m truly disgusted at myself and can never be sorry enough to O for how i treated him (and i also apologize to M for talking badly about her. she’s beautiful and talented and deserved none of that). i am not the victim in this situation. i fucked up well and truly beyond repair, so now i’m doing my damndest to atone.
now after that LONG backstory, i come humbly to you redditors. i’ve realized i never truly apologized to O for everything. i miss him terribly - it feels like i’ve torn out a chunk of my heart and replaced it with guilt, regret, anger… i can’t eat or sleep or work. i miss my best friend. i want him to know how sorry i am, and i know sorry doesn’t fix a broken plate, but it’s the least i can do. what should i do? should i continue to stay away and let him reach out on his own time, or reach out myself to apologize? at this point i’d be shocked if he didn’t hate me or regard me as his abusiv3 ex, so i don’t know what path to take here.
and lastly, what can i do to keep improving myself? i want to be a good person. i want to be in control of my emotions and handle my pain normally. i don’t want to hurt anyone ever again.
to anyone still reading, thank you. i just needed to get this off my chest and ask for a little direction.
TLDR: had on-off relationship with my best friend, went batshit with pain & anger when i found out he had moved on, ended up damaging our friendship beyond repair by becoming abusive, then cut him off because he deserves better. now i’m drowning in regret and want to be a better person.
please refrain from comments about how i’m a bad person or anything of the sort, i am already fully aware. please be kind.
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2021.10.27 00:51 abhii_wise Sexy Sharma🔥
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2021.10.27 00:51 MyNinjasPwn When your owner drives past the dog park
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2021.10.27 00:51 Cockbert91 She's live right now
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2021.10.27 00:51 Pharmacist515 Z6 with z20mm F1.8s. room for improvement? Thanks.
2021.10.27 00:51 Professional-Ice8176 Need one for rec ps5
2021.10.27 00:51 Azailicy fucking hate nobushi mains
2021.10.27 00:51 Extra-Boysenberry I see a guy with a Cessna 172 on the ramp. Can I give him my resume as a commercial pilot?
2021.10.27 00:51 Ok_Gear_6222 No batches?
2021.10.27 00:51 Own-Conference-4385 He Did It!!!
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2021.10.27 00:51 nosalt69 Bene-FIRE
Bene-FIRE - the concept of waiting until one's corporate retirement benefits kick in while FIRE-ing.
I haven't seen this topic discussed in any of the FIRE forums. And, yes, I just made up the term "Bene-FIRE". We seem to be stuck somewhere between FIRE definitions. We're definitely not Lean Fire, but maybe Chubby-FIRE or even Fat-FIRE. Or Coast-Fat-FIRE? Hear me out...
The situation: Married, we're both 50 and we're both still working. 2 teenage children planning for college; 529s funded for each. We own our house outright, no mortgage. Spouse and I each work moderate-stress, decent paying corporate jobs. Each of us have a modest pension waiting for us, which we'll likely defer to age 70, along with SS. At age 70, those pensions & SS should bring in about $16M/month ($192,000/year). Additionally, we have roughly $3M in 401ks, $6M in stocks, $1M in other assets including our primary residence and some cash.
We each have about 25 years in at our respective companies, and we're both about 5 years away (age 55) from qualifying for 'lifetime' medical benefits. With a $10M net worth, we feel we can probably Chubby-FIRE now, but we both feel so close to those medical benefits. We feel we've put in our time, and it's just these last 5 years or so to go to qualify, so why abandon ship now? Besides, we figure we still have about 9 or 10 years before our children finish college and are officially on their own. We won't be free to roam the world if we want to give our kids a stable homestead through their college years.
I'd imagine some of you are saying that we're not "RE" Retiring Early at all, but we feel age 55 still is retiring early. We DO feel "F.I." Financially Independent, though. I dunno... Any thoughts? Is this "Bene-FIRE" a separate, distinct category of FIRE? Is it FIRE at all? Should we quit our jobs now, Chub-FIRE and lavish our kids with far too much attention?
Does anyone else find themselves in a similar situation?
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2021.10.27 00:51 Alaniscarcassette You had me at Jello
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2021.10.27 00:51 -Jotun- New (first) record player and speakers!
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2021.10.27 00:51 rAes_am “Sedia… I’ve come to bargain”
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2021.10.27 00:51 you_sus927 Can the decision to use the 62% of the approved budget solve the problem?
Philippine economy was badly hurt by the pandemic Covid-19. Entrepreneurs were forced to close down temporarily their businesses to control the spreading of the virus. As a result, ordinary people lose their sources of income and purchasing power. In order to ease the current situation, the Congress enacted in a special session and grants the President additional powers to manage the crisis. This is Republic Act No. 11469 known as “Bayanihan to Heal as One Act.” The law gives the President the authority to divert and use the P275 billion or 62% of the approved P438 billion budget for 2020.As an economist, can the decision to use the 62% of the approved budget solve the problem?
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2021.10.27 00:51 Massive_CH1N Scripting/DDA is blatantly used in FIFA 22
2021.10.27 00:51 dadsthrowaway2468 35 [m4f] Single dad watching the World Series. Let’s keep each other entertained.
2021.10.27 00:51 jedova Did not know this is even possible from gambling until...